So much has been happening:

On May 4th, my grandma passed away, and it's kinda "taken me out". She was such a special part of my life (all of our lives), and some days it's just bizarre not to be able to talk to her.

She went in for heart surgery (Serious for an 85 year old woman), yet she believed that she would be able to fully recover...at least that's what the doctors were telling her. However, she never left the hospital. She had some serious breathing problems and could never get off the ventilator.

Finally, after a few weeks and after the doctors admitting that she would never again breathe on her own, my mom and her sisters decided to take her off the ventilator. My grandma was heavily sedated and we all knew that she never wanted to "be kept alive"...she told us this many times!!!

Anytime you deal with death you think about what happens next...you think about lots of things. I've been thinking about what's "real". God says in the scriptures that he placed eternity in the hearts of all of us...this longing for something "more"...something "beyond what we see". I've been challenged lately that what we see and touch is not really "real", rather the spiritual realm is truly "real"....the realm of the power of the holy spirit, as well as the powers of evil. This message is all throughout the scriptures, and when you lose someone from this life, you have to question What it's all about or what's truly real?

Living in this city and working with the population that I work with...I feel like I am constantly bombarded with the brokenness and evil of this world that we live in. From the abandoned homes and caved in buildings every where you look in Detroit to the foster youth that I see every day who battle to "make something of themselves"...sometimes you wonder how they will ever make it when they've been raped or witnessed murders or have the reading capacity of a 1st grader at the age of 21. Ahhh, I get so emotionally involved and I wonder "Whats the hope?" "How can this ever change?"

I'm gonna sound really negative here, but I really don't think there is much hope. I mean, I believe that change can and will happen and it will be beautiful. But, there will always be these disgusting stories of abuse and injustice. The evil and oppression and ugliness of our world will never be completely eradicated- at least not in this world that we know.
I believe that the hope only lies in "Something more"...something outside this "reality" that we know. Believing in a reality that we cannot see with our eyes, yet trusting that it is what we were created for.

12And so Jesus also suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through his own blood. 13Let us, then, go to him outside the camp, bearing the disgrace he bore. 14For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come. -Hebrews

Even as I type this, I wonder if people (If anyone reads this) will be thinking that I'm saying, "Whats the point? Just give up"...I'm not saying that at all. I fully believe that we must continue to fight for justice in our world and battle to see good overcome evil. But, I just feel like at the end of the day....The hope only lies in "the created" being united with "the creator".

My grandma lived 85 years. 85 years of love and compassion and mercy to SO MANY, yet her life is over...as much as I am challenged by the legacy that she has left behind, I'm really being challenged by the thought that all that truly matters now is that she has been united with her God. Her hope was in "another reality"...in an eternal world with God...and that hope motivated her to live the life she lived.

I have no clue if any of this made sense, but all I know is that this life is terribly challenging and it wears you down fast!!! I must look to someone stronger, higher, mightier.
I must look to Jesus.

Thoughts on serving:

I met with a woman last week who started a christian community development organization over 25 years ago here in Detroit. She has been living & serving in this city for over 2 decades. I wanted to meet with her because I figured she could offer me some wisdom on "how you do it!"

She's been through so much...she's been shot, robbed at gunpoint by people that she has helped... Her house has been open to all children of all ages who do not have a home. She has rich experiences in urban ministry.

Even though this woman has an extremely busy schedule, she sat with me at Starbucks for 2 hours to listen to my heart and hear my struggles with making Detroit home and with the constant discouragement of the "backwardness" of this city.

The greatest piece of advice that she could offer me was this-

"This is hard work, but your service is less about the people you are serving and more about you."

Well, that sounded selfish to me?!?! What?!

Basically, her challenge to me was that -God doesn't need you in order to care for the needs of the city of Detroit, but he chooses to invite you into this work that he is doing. Therefore, it's really about our response and our dependency on the Lord...it's about our obedience...about our sanctification (making us more like Christ). So, as we serve and as we are responding faithfully to the Holy Spirit and "doing it unto the Lord" then he will change us AND maybe the people will change and maybe they won't. I have to know I'm not responsible for that.

That's where my struggle is---I get so connected and enmeshed in it all that it defeats me and I find that I'm not really doing this for the Lord, but I'm doing it for myself. I even take it personally when my youth don't follow through with their goals or when they spout off at me for trying to help them! Then, I find myself emotionally spent, discouraged, and questioning "why God"? Ahhh, what a sick cycle.

I have no answers for how to "get there", but I do think that it must be a daily "renewing of your mind"--- replacing the lies with truth, overcoming the selfish motives with pure motives.

Why am I starting this blog?

There are plenty of reasons to start a blog. here are a few that come to mind:
-to update my family who is a 1,000 miles away on my life
-to process my thoughts through writing
-to gain insight and thoughts on my experiences from the readers

....
I think those are all part of why I started this blog, but mostly...mostly just to ask for prayer.
I believe wholeheartedly that there are some beautiful people in our lives who love us and care for us and wish to support us and WE NEED IT!!!

I've hit a rough spot in my time here in Detroit & I will write more on this later, but please pray for us. We covet it.

Here are a few things you can be praying for:
-Our marriage, for balance in our schedules to spend time together and to lift one another up in the challenges.

-Questions about the future...should we go back to school? Should we change jobs? Should we purchase a super cheap house in Detroit?

-My emotional state- I've been battling depression a lot since we returned from the wedding and been having a super challenging time making Detroit "My home". I miss my family and the life I knew. Please pray that through the power of the Holy Spirit...I would embrace this as home and feel joy about it.

-Mack Ave Community Church- the church plant that we are a part of here in the city. That it would be a presence of love and hope in this community. That Nick and I would know our roles in this church body and that we would be mindful of not being too busy just doing lots of spiritual stuff, but that we would actually be falling more in love with Jesus and this community.

-Our jobs- that Nick and I would perservere and remember to go to work every day filled with vision for the people that we serve. Burn out is a very real challenge right now (mainly for me). Would you pray that God would give us renewed compassion for the homeless (Nick) and the foster youth (Laurie).

-The state of this city- it's no secret that Detroit is a very rough place! Pray for this city! Pray for the power of darkness to be overcome, because Satan's presence is so evident here---unlike anything I think I've ever experienced. The people of this city walk around in darkness and it is such a sad place. Pray for redemption of this place... please.

I ask for your prayers, i ask deeply for them.

Lately, I've been terribly overcome by the realization that I cannot do this life alone. We need each other. Thank you for being one of those people that 'i need'...I pray that I can be the same for you.

~Laurie